First some quick foundations: What is a Square? It is an aspect of 90 degrees between two planets. Square aspects bring some form of tension, friction, or conflict and are action-oriented. They are of the nature of Mars. Mars and Venus are the archetypes of the masculine and feminine energies (remember that book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? I wonder if that has aged well, lol)
Mars square Venus is a time when people may try to assert their individuality in a relationship, and any successful relationship is one that requires balancing the needs and desires of each person to achieve meaning in that relationship.
See if you agree with me, or not. I’m arguing that this song is a version of Mars Square Venus personified, and analyzing it can help us understand this transit more deeply.
The song is “The Way I Always Heard it Should Be, '' and for simplicity sake, I will call the speaker Carly, since she’s the one singing it (but fun fact, this was co-written with a male writing partner who was feeling the pressure to marry and was fearful of losing his identity). The song starts off in a memory from childhood: The ghost of Marriage past
My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark
The living room is still
I walk by, no remark
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines
I hear her call sweet dreams
But I forget how to dream
(How to dream, how to dream)
Mars here is represented by the father, alone smoldering in the dark, brooding, and silent in the night. The mother is playing the part of Venus passing her time reading magazines and wishing for sweet dreams from the marriage bed. Both of them are fundamentally alone.
The child is in the friction point, the square between these two planets or energies, or people, are not seeing eye to eye - at odds. The child grows up with this dystopian version of a marriage, and has forgotten how to dream that there can be any other way.
Then we are flashed to the present. Carley is grown, and finds herself in a relationship tension as well. This is more Mars square Venus.
But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me
We’ll marry.
Mars says it’s time to do what is expected of us, and Venus is conflicted, confronted by the social norms of the time, and feeling like that is inevitable. You get married, you have a family, you live unhappily ever after. This is the moment when Carly should express her concerns, her possible fears or issues, but at this point she doesn’t explicitly say anything. The two will marry.
Carly next considers the marriages of her friends: the ghost of marriage present
My friends from college, they're all married now
They have their houses and their lawns
They have their silent noons
Tearful nights, angry dawns
Their children hate them for the things they're not (things they'll never be)
They hate themselves for what they are
And yet they drink, they laugh
Close the wound, hide the scar
When coming to a balance between the needs of two people is ignored, the tension is increased, the anger, the tears, and so forth. Not great. In this moment, the friends drink, laugh, close the wound and hide the scars by not being explicit about what they want. Whatever is left unsaid doesn’t go unforgotten, it can become the main source of future and long lasting friction.
Despite the evidence, Carly again tries to convince herself of the inevitably coming her way, and says:
But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me
We’ll Marry.
There is no way around it, in her mind. This brings us to the ghost of marriage future, where it seems like Carly may actually be communicating some specific fears about losing individuality within her impending marriage:
You say we can keep our love alive
Babe, all I know is what I see
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself
And this was the lyric where I just had to have my own little moment of catharsis, because I can understand this level of tension. I think anyone who married or partnered young, and some that are still in it for the long haul may also be able to deeply feel this line. “I’ll never learn to be just me first, by myself.” It’s true, you won’t.
It is a different path, and independence must be integrated within the structure of these inevitable relational tensions in order to grow simultaneously as a pair, but also as individuals. This happens by defining what each person wants from the other, and what they are willing to give, or give up. Because a square aspect is eased by compromise, and that means not fully, 100 percent getting what we want. we have to lose a little, and so does the other person. But we can also both win.
In the last part of the song, she says:
Well okay, it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me
We'll marry
In the end, I don’t know if the two people are destined to just go along with social norms and do what they always heard it should be, or if they will do it differently, beat the odds.
It all comes down to how they navigate Mars square Venus.
This square aspect does not lead inevitably to conflict - that is just one shade of how it can play out. If your relationship is generally harmonious, this can be an arousing aspect - think Mr and Mrs Smith, but not so violent, lol. This also doesn’t have to be focused around relationships or love interests. A Mars Square Venus aspect can also Aries as very action oriented creative or artistic energies, and could be a very productive time for moving forward there.
I like you just the way you are - be good to yourself and the ones you love.
L
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